Abortions Should be Filmed

The abortion of an unborn child should be filmed. After the abortion the mother and father should be presented with a video of the procedure, so they can watch it later.

CFTS Reporter Skips Breakfast

It has come to the attention of the CFTS Editorial Staff, that one of its reporters, has recently skipped breakfast. The incident occurred last week at the CFTS works' Canteen.
The reporter will remain anonymous, while a thorough investigation takes place.
I had 2 lovely sausages

Sepp Blatter takes Position at Mothercare

Former FIFA(Fédération International de Football Association) President Sepp Blatter has accepted a position at Mothercaere. Sepp is said to be delighted with his new role as Deputy Store Manager in Grimsby.
CFTS's intrepid reporters questioned the former FIFA President about is new job.
CFTS: "What's your new job like?"
Sepp:   "I love pregnant women. And I'm in a great position to look at them when they enter the shop."
CFTS: "Can you bribe these women?"
Sepp:  "Oh yes! I tweak their nipples and they'll accept any bribe."
Here is a picture of Sepp about to "tweak" another Mothercare victim.

Is Seaweed the New Lard?

They're all raving about seaweed! They say it's the new super-food, full of vitamins, nutrients, and it can clean out your shitter!
Well CFTS's intrepid reporters tell a different story. They've discovered that seaweed comes from the ocean or the beach - a little-known fact hidden from the public, by these purveyors of this green shite. Most shoppers believe it comes from shops or web-sites.
Further research by our wonderful CFTS's reporters have demonstrated that most seaweed is soaked in kipper-piss and scampi turds and can cause you to vomit when used as a sexual lubricant.
The NEW LARD! What utter tripe! What nonsense. How can this slimy, disgusting muck replace the wonders of LARD???!!! They say Lard inspired Einstein and that great DJ, Jimmy Savile.
Look at the images below, and tell CFTS what you'd rather have sex with.

 LARD

SEAWEED - but looks like turds

The Degradation of Humanity - Big Brother

I accidently tuned in to "Big Brother Live". I have never witnessed anything so degrading, demeaning, and pathetic. The people involved had the intetllect of dead snails. In fact I doubted whether they were part of the Human Race. My greatest fear was when I learned that millions of people tuned into this crap.
God Help Us,

New Interest Free Scheme!

CFTS's intrepid reporters have honed their journalistic skills into the world of finance. How often have we watched TV commercials advertising 'pay-day' loans  targetting the poor, unsuspecting, hard-working public! Too often in my book! Strapped for cash, they take out a loan with these unscrupulous "sharks" and are forced to pay back exhorbitant rates of interest, leaving them destitute and forcing them to only visit the pub 4 times a week.
Well CFTS is not going to let this continue without a fight! Now, instead of the hard-working public borrowing money, they lend it to CFTS instead! With ZERO rates of interest. Yes, folks you read it right the first time! CFTS will not charge interest on the loans they receive from the hard-working public!
CFTS will accept cash only - a minimum of £100 and no maxium upper limit.
CFTS will decide on the repayment date of the loan, but promise to repay within 100 years.
What could be fairer than that! ZERO rates of interest!

Rent an ISIS Terrorist for Your Hen Party!

Forget the stripping policeman, the sexy lumberjack, the horny vicar - the latest craze for Hen Parties is to hire an ISIS Terrorist! 

These jolly chappies will behead your guests and post the video on YouTube. 

If you opt for the deluxe package, they will bring along a brain-washed kid who has bombs strapped to his body and blow himself and the whole party to smithereens!

People Are Living Longer - Not Any More!

The media is full of statistics from scientists & population theorists stating that based on today's ageing population, that future generations will live longer.
The dozy twats have missed one main problem which will totally undermine and rubbish their theories and statistics: THE OBESITY EPEDIMIC (when I mention OBESITY I cannot help typing in upper case, because it makes the letters fat like OBESE people).
Yes these lard-arses are heading for early graves if they carry on gorging pies and cakes.
NO! It's not because you're big-boned!
NO! It's not because you have a thyroid problem (Levothyroxine medication discounts this excuse).
NO! It's not because you're stressed!
NO! It's not comfort food!
YES! It's because you're greedy and you eat too much. And the sooner these BELLY BEASTS realise this, and take responsibilty for their own actions, then they will continue to expand.
Naturally this has serious health implications, includes diabetes, heart conditions, chapped inner thighs,
Unfortunately, for one group of overweight children, much of the blame lies with parents.  They have only known fast-food and never watch any programs or read any literature on nutrition and health - so their children will follow the same life-style,
The other group usually become obese during teenage years.
The sad thing is these obese people hang out together, and tell each other how great they look. So they carry on eating.
FATTIES!

The Reasons for Delays Going Through Airport Security

Ever been stuck in a queue going through airport security and wondered why there are always hold-ups?
The reason is a large percentage of stupid, moronic, brain-dead passengers, whose idea of multi-tasking is snoring in their sleep are so thick they can't see the obvious.
They reach airport security personnel, and are asked,
   "Do you have any liquids in your hand-luggage?"
The stupid buggers, reply "Uhhh, oh yes." They then take five minutes going through their bags.
The next thing they are asked is if they have a belt, and of course they do, more delays. Next comes the watch, then coins in their pockets, etc, This all takes time.
These delays can be avoided if these morons deal with these jobs while queueing. They could stash their coins, watches, belts etc. in their jacket pockets or in their bags.
FFS stop delaying me!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeremy Clarkson: Latest Headlines ...

HE'S STILL A TWAT!