CFTS Reporter Skips Breakfast

It has come to the attention of the CFTS Editorial Staff, that one of its reporters, has recently skipped breakfast. The incident occurred last week at the CFTS works' Canteen.
The reporter will remain anonymous, while a thorough investigation takes place.
I had 2 lovely sausages

Sepp Blatter takes Position at Mothercare

Former FIFA(Fédération International de Football Association) President Sepp Blatter has accepted a position at Mothercaere. Sepp is said to be delighted with his new role as Deputy Store Manager in Grimsby.
CFTS's intrepid reporters questioned the former FIFA President about is new job.
CFTS: "What's your new job like?"
Sepp:   "I love pregnant women. And I'm in a great position to look at them when they enter the shop."
CFTS: "Can you bribe these women?"
Sepp:  "Oh yes! I tweak their nipples and they'll accept any bribe."
Here is a picture of Sepp about to "tweak" another Mothercare victim.

Is Seaweed the New Lard?

They're all raving about seaweed! They say it's the new super-food, full of vitamins, nutrients, and it can clean out your shitter!
Well CFTS's intrepid reporters tell a different story. They've discovered that seaweed comes from the ocean or the beach - a little-known fact hidden from the public, by these purveyors of this green shite. Most shoppers believe it comes from shops or web-sites.
Further research by our wonderful CFTS's reporters have demonstrated that most seaweed is soaked in kipper-piss and scampi turds and can cause you to vomit when used as a sexual lubricant.
The NEW LARD! What utter tripe! What nonsense. How can this slimy, disgusting muck replace the wonders of LARD???!!! They say Lard inspired Einstein and that great DJ, Jimmy Savile.
Look at the images below, and tell CFTS what you'd rather have sex with.

 LARD

SEAWEED - but looks like turds