Miracle Fish Stun Scientists!

Undercover CFTS intrepid reporters can reveal today that world renowned scientists have been conducting experiments on live fish in their Scunthorpe laboratories. The experiments conclusively show the fish can hold their breath longer than humans. Several fish were submerged in a tank of water for up to ten minutes and survived their ordeal without any trouble - and appeared to thrive in the water. Sadly, their ordeal proved to be very stressful, because after they were removed from the tank of water, they died within five minutes. Further experiments to submerge the fish for 15 minutes have been postponed, while the scientists investigate what causes this stress after being removed from the water.

Thatcher Funeral a Sham!

Margaret Thatcher's funeral is a sham!

CFTS's intrepid reporters can reveal that Margaret Thatcher has already entered the food chain, and her remains have been discovered in tins of corned beef  at Spar shops around the country.

Customers at a Spar branch in Upper Ramsbottom, Cumbersausage, were questioned on the discovery of the former Prime Minister's body parts in tins of their favourite breakfast snack:

Wendy Burger: "I just can't believe it's not butter."

Harold Rasputin: "Shit! I thought I was eating Simon Cowell. Is that cunt still alive?"

Rt. Hon. Judge Judge: " I remember a similar occurence with Ted Heath. Left a nasty taste in my mouth."

Margaret Thatcher RIP has since denied the accusations, and  claims  that she has been nowhere near a tin of corned beef.

Despite these newspaper reports, the funeral will go ahead.

Match Officials Bribed at Arsenal Norwich match

CFTS intrepid reporters who were at the Emirates yesterday for the clash between Arsenal and Norwich, have revealed that match officals took bribes to ensure Arsenal were victorious over Norwich. Arsenal were losing 0-1 with 5 minutes to go when Arsenal scored 3 very dubious goals including 2 penalties. Arsenal need to secure a top 4 finish which will enable them to play in the very lucrative Champions League next season. This potentially could earn the club over £50 million next season. Referee Mike Jones and lineman Richard West were the culprits in this obvious deception. CFTS reporters overheard the Jones and West discussing the tactics to award Arsenal the penalties and an obvious off-side goal. It has further been revealed the officials took £100,000 as a 'sweetener'. It is believed the owners of Arsenal were responsible for the bribes.
SHAME ON YOU ARSENAL!