Rare Sighting! Betty Seen in Fresh Vegetable Aisle!

This very rare sighting was witnessed by an intrepid, off-duty CFTS reporter who was taking his morning constitution around the local supermarket. The Betty was inexplicably discovered wondering around the fresh vegetable section. It is thought she had become disorientated after 2 males Bettys tried unsuccessfully to mount her while she was bending over a bucket of pies. To escape the attention of her male suitors, she waddled off, confused and lost. The males were unable to enter this no-go area.

Ladies! Who Needs Contraception When You Can Have an Abortion?!!

Why bother with all those nasty constraceptive methods when you can have an abortion instead? After all, it's only a bit of tissue. You can have one straight away, or wait until six months, or even go to full-term if you're in the United States. Don't worry, we're very experienced abortioneers here in Britain. Last year there were over 200,000 abortions in England and Wales. This is the first time this number has been surpassed - and soon we will overtake the United States. Britain's termination rate is already the highest in Western Europe.

But what if you want more than one abortion? Don't worry girls, you're not alone. Nearly 4,000 women have had four or more abortions – and dozens have had eight or more. There were 82 teenagers on their third abortion. Overall, the number of women having repeat abortions has reached record levels. In 2006, 59,687 abortions were performed in England on women who had already had one. A third of terminations are now repeats, and the number has gone up by 5 per cent in two years.

Well done Britain! We're proud of you! Let's hope we can keep top of the Abortion Table in Europe. Then we'll top the northern hemisphere, then the world!

Technorati Tags: Highest Abortion Rates Contraception Repeat Abortions Pro-Life SPUC

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Karen Matthews Escapes Jail Sentence to Enter Beauty Pageant

Sexy siren Karen Matthews, child kidnapper, has been spared jail to enter The Doncaster & Castleford Beauty Pageant. By winning the competition, she hopes to bring the nation's attention to child cruelty and abuse. After Judge Farquar Ninjaterrapin listened to her impassioned plea from the dock, the learned gentleman of the law was visibly moved, and agreed to waver the 5 year jail sentence.

This stunning beauty had the whole courtroom in tears by describing her own terrible upbringing and misplaced youth. She promised that all her winnings from the event would go to a national children's charity.

Doncaster butcher's Joshua Ormonthroyd has kindly donated the winning prize of 12lbs of best beef dripping, a bucket of tripe and a pig's head. Not to be outdown, Castleford Mayor Threpford Attercliffe has promised a free ticket for a guided tour of the town's sewers, with lunch provided en route. The ravishing Miss Matthews is pictured during a photo-shoot.

Technorati Tags: Karen Matthews Kidnap Shannon Beauty Pageant Jail Sentence

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Boy George is Innocent !

Boy George has been found guilty of falsely imprisoning a male escort. So if he is guilty of "false imprisonment" then conversely, he must be not-guilty of imprisonment, and should be released immediately.

The LAW is an ASS!

Technorati Tags: Boy George George O'Dowd Male Escort False Imprisonment

"...and just before Christmas as well ..." What a TOSS-POT!!!

Yesterday, a woman was scraping the ice off her windscreen of her car while her engine was running. Some low-life arsehole hijacked the car running the poor lady over. She was critically injured and remains in intensive care.

So I'm driving home from work yeserday evening and Radio 5 was reporting the story and spoke to a neighbour who saw the aftermath of the crime.

"I came out while she lay on the pavement and saw paramedics helping her. I think it's terribe, and just before Christmas as well ..."

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ANYTHING SO STUPID! ???

Do you think the woman would have felt better if it had happened in January or even in the summer? The woman, her family and friends would rather it never happened at all. It doesn't matter what time of the frigging year it is.

THIS NEIGHBOUR IS A STUPID, MORONIC, INSENSITIVE, PATHETIC TOSS-POT!

Unfortunately CFTS readers, this will not be the first or the last time you will hear this expression. God Help us.

Technorati Tags: Radio Five Car-Jacking Christmas

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Singapore Betty at The Grand Prix

Our intrepid CFTS reporter, Lemurf had his wits about him when he captured the image of a this extremely rare sighting: The Singapore Betty. It is thought that the vibrations of the Formula 1 racing cars alerted the Betty who was foraging in the bins of a McDonalds' store nearby. The Betty mistakenly took the vibrations for the engine revvings of a local burger van.

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What You've Been Waiting For: LAV-CAM! ®

Ever wondered what goes on beneath the seat then taking a dump? Sick of waiting until you've finished before exmining your earthy deposit? We'll wait no longer! CFTS research scientists have spent 5 years developing LAV-CAM ®. The super minature recorder can film all the action, as well as capturing sound-effects with its built-in microphone. Heh! Don't worry about splashes - CFTS has the answer! With its super-coated, non-stick, hydrolyurethanium micro-lense, the turd-splashes simply slip off, leaving you with clean, clear and sharp clips of this wondeful, yet very rarely-seen event.
Please order now through CFTS comments on this posting. LAV-CAM ® will be in the shops in time for Christmas. Order early to avoid disappointment!

LAV-CAM ® Is a registered Trademark of Cureforthesore

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Derby Bettys Challenging for Top prize !

Here we have a fledgling Betty from the Allenton Stables near Derby. Though still young, you can see the potential: grossly overweight, a 'pea' in the pram and the trade-mark ciggie. With carfeul nurturing, and the right diet, this little beauty could put on another 3 stones in a month! Yes, we believe this Betty could soon be challenging for the coveted County Betty-Belle Championship Trophy (20 to 25 stone division). Good luck Allenton young Betty!

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