Time for reality shows to get real?

OK, I'm no great Christian or social worker or anything, but why can't we have a fly on the wall program about a nurse or nun in some remote village in Africa or India who is fighting against all odds to save lives? A lot of these people must have given up the chance of a potentially lucrative career, and instead of having a high tech management job in London, quaffing champagne in Covent Garden at lunchtime, they are picking up dying people from the streets of Bombay (or is it Mumbai now, I can never remember?). We see the likes of Lenny Henry once a year on Children in Need, mixing it with the kids in Africa. OK, I've nothing against that and there is some coverage on the news about famines in Africa, but there seems to be a major divide in television about what is suitable for entertaining the masses and what is not. For heaven's sake, let's see some real people for a change who have decided to dedicate their lives to helping others and let's get shut of chavvy morons intent on propelling their egos to take over the world.
Madge, take a hike!

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BUSH AND BLAIR CASH IN!

Following yesterdays revelation regarding the price of Coprolite, I can reveal today that a new company named 'Blush' floated on the markets adding significantly to the fortunes of the two hapless politicians, both of whom are major shareholders in the newly formed company which processes bullshit.

An insider reported to CFTS that together, the two dunderheads have hit the jackpot as they both produce a limitless supply of the now valuable commodity.

Judge cats still has his phone tapped and is under constant surveillance by U.S. and British Intelligence Agencies.

Technorati Links: Bush Blair Coprolite Stock Market

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MARKETS FACE CHAOS....PLEASE READ!

The worlds commodity markets face chaos this week as shrewd investors, worried about instability in the more traditional and previously stable havens of gold silver copper and oil, pump billions of pounds into coprolite, or fossilised pooh!
Its true, one council in aberdeen, a town totally reliant on oil, has even renamed its famous 'Bush St', as you can see in the picture above.

Coprolite has typically fetched around £1.50 per kilo in curiosity shops throughout the nation, but as the commodity markets open tomorrow, the price is expected to rise rapidly to around £50.00 per kilo.

Sewage and water treatment plants around the country have stepped up their security operations as greedy councils attempt to cash in on our waste and we have reports from our many local authority moles that our council taxes are being used to fund specialist machinery to facilitate the removal and subsequent processing of our suspended solids. One company, Scatgold, is planning to float on the stock market tomorrow and its directors are expected to become instant millionairs.

Coprolite can be cut into discs and polished and some analysts predicts that these discs may even replace traditional coinage for some transactions, emulating early Leicestershire man who used to trade winnets. (see previous article.)

One leading analyst warned today that those investors whose portfolio is 'top heavy' in the traditional commodities should seek independent financial advice immediately and consider switching their funds into pooh.

Technorati Tags: Coprolite Stock Market Commodities Winnets Scatgold Shares Pooh Aberdeen

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Gargle's Bid for YourTubes is Successful!

The Halitosis World was rocked to its foundations today when the CEO of YourTubes Ltd, the successful Phlegm Downloading Company accepted the 2.5 billion euro offer from the world's leading mouthwash company Gargle Inc. Shares in the spit company rose dramatically as word of the takeover filtered through smoking dens and asthmatic wards throughout the land. What does this mean for the 'fag and cough' brigade? Will they still be able to avail of excellent services once provided by YourTubes in downloading their abundant phlegm? Will Gargle's power in the bad-breath market diminish after restructuring? Many experts in the field believe this is a bad move for both companies as their marketing strategies work in opposite directions. As one stock market analyst observed: 'If you've got a chest full of dried phlegm, how do you get it out? With Gargle or do you download it with YourTubes?' Time will only tell.

Technoratic Tags: Google YouTube Takeover Halitosis Phlegm Gargle Inc. Stock Market YourTubes Ltd.

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Shepshed Where For Art Thou M'duck?

Hello Shepshed Bloggers! This is the first Blog posting for Shepshed that will be entered into a Technorati Category or Tag. Technorati puts all blog postings into categories/tags. There are thousands of tags, but if one you want is not there - in this case Shepshed, then create a posting with that tag name. You will see it better if you go into Edit HTML of the edit window rather than compose. So at the end of your posting add:

Technorati Tags: Shepshed in Leicestershire

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CFTS make bold takeover bid for Google?

Google's Q3 2006 Earnings Boost appears to have sparked rumours of a bold takeover move for the company by the world's leading Web-Site, Cure For The Sore. Directors DocMurf and Judge Cats were tracked down to a local hostelry, 'The Bald Canine'.(so named as they have been there so many times for the 'hair of the dog'), and questioned on the matter.
DocMurf: "What the f*ck is a Google?"
Judge Cats: "Ahh, it is a cricketing term. It is pronounced Googly. Starts off as a leg spinner, but ends up being an off-break."

After several dozen more pints of Theakston's Old Peculier, the mix-up was explained. Apparently DocMurf was overheard asking Judge Cats, 'd'you fancy a gargle?' The rumour mill was sent in motion, and an innocent request to go for a drink or a gargle, was translated into a bid for Google.

Technorati Tags: Google Takeover Cricket Beer humor Comedy

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Using the Lottery for Elections & E-Voting

THIS ARTICLE CONCERNS THE IRISH NATIONAL LOTTERY, BUT THE SAME PRINCIPLES CAN BE APPLIED TO THE UK OR ANY EUROPEAN LOTTERY
For several years now, I have listened to the arguments for and against electronic voting, and have witnessed the dreadful waste of taxpayers' euros funding such projects. Yet for the life of me, I cannot see why the government has not turned to the most obvious candidate, in terms of software & hardware security, accountability, verification and traceability. I am talking about The National Lottery.
With some minor changes, there is no reason why the National Lottery could not embark on such a project.
Briefly, the system could work as follows:
Before an election, each home with eligible voting householders, would be sent a bar-coded ballot slip - this would be similar to a Lottery slip. But instead of selecting numbers by ticking the boxes, the eligible voter would select candidates by ticking the boxes. The bar-code would identify the voter and the voter's address. When the voter presents their ballot slip to a lotto agent, the agent would pass the slip in the same machine as used by a normal Lotto slip. The difference here would be the machine would identify the bar-code as a ballot slip, and not a lotto ticket. The voter's name and address would appear, and the agent could ask the voter for ID to verify the name and address etc. The advantages would be enormous.
1. Accessibility! No need for polling stations - you could vote at any shop or petrol station that did the Lotto.
2. Voting turnout would be bigger due to ease of voting accessibility.
3. Software Security - the safest software in the land! Has the Lottery software ever been wrong? Has anybody ever hacked into the their software and altered the results? I am not aware of it.
4. Traceability & Accountability - the speed the Lotto can count winners and locate winners - the same would apply to voters and their location, and how they voted and in what numbers. All this functionality currently exists in the Lottery software. This would make the once previous arduous task of counting & verifying votes a trivial exercise.
As I mentioned, the Lotto machines would immeditaely distinguish between a ballot slip and a Lotto slip, thus no modifications to the current Lotto software would be required. The voting software would use much of the same functionality as the Lotto software, but would be far simpler and quicker to execute. A voter would be selecting 1, 2 or 3 candidates from a possibile list of 5, 6 or 7 for example. Compare this to the Lotto where we select 6 numbers from 42 leaving you with 5,245,786 different combinations!
Also, we could use this system when voters are abroad in Europe during an election. Look at Euromillions - that is all synchronised to all of the European countries. So the same scheme could be used but on a Europe-wide scale.
I have since contacted the National Lottery with this idea, and they kindly phoned me back explaining that they could initiate such a project. Apparently it is not in their remit. The government has to contact them first. They are unable to even suggest the idea to the government. SO BERTIE GET OFF YOUR FAT ARSE AND GET IN TOUCH WITH THE NATIONAL LOTTERY. We could have the must sophisticated voting system in the world!

Technorati Tags: Lottery National Lottery E-Voting Elections Voting

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Touch a nerve.....did we?

Oh dear, it seems I did, but thereagain, I'm not writing for 'Woman's Own'.

I stand by my story, which in a nutshell translates to this: "If Bullshit and Lies were made from oil, George need never have gone to Iraq!"

Doc Murph, I'm truely saddened to hear of your bereavement.

Your friend

Judge Cats

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John Campbell Passes Away in Mullaghbawn

Check out the link below. A friend of the family and world famous story teller and expert on folklore. From Mullaghbawn in South Armagh. May he Rest In Peace

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Witch Hunt on our own Judge Cats!

While searching through Google for 'cureforthesore', I noticed a reference to Judge Cats' excellent article on the incontinent George W. Bush.
Here is the clip from the search:

Cure For The Sore: World News, Views, Screws & Blues: OFFICIAL ...
Notify Blogger about objectionable content. What does this mean? Blogger · Send As SMS · Get your own blog · Flag Blog · Next blog ...cureforthesore.blogspot.com/2006/09/officialgeorge-bush-incontinent.html - 27k -

I do not know who issued this statement, but they have obviously reported us to the blooger site, hence our lack of exposure on Google. Do not worry my disciples, we will forge on with our intrepid, dare-devil reporting - bringing you the news they do want you to hear!

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There is only one CURE FOR THE SORE

Imagine my shock and horror when I discovered other organisations using our sacred acronym: CFTS. Here are a sample.

1. Congregational Foundation for Theoretical Studies
2. Consolidated Fork Truck Services
3. Central Federation of Traditional Shotokan
4. Contracted Flying, Training and Support
5. Cheesey Foreskin Testicles Smelly

Please report any other plagiarists to this site, where they will be dealt with accordingly.

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Tesco Ireland Up to their Old Scamming Tricks

Today in Tescos near Cork City, I went in to buy some Oxo cubes. There was a 12-pack and a 24-pack. Normally, the bigger pack would be cheaper - this has been the buying/selling philosophy for generations - buy in bulk to save money. As I reached for the 24-pack, thinking I would save myself a few cent, I noticed the tag below the cubes stated that the larger pack worked out at €16.98 per kilogram. I looked at the 12-pack, and that worked out at €16.20 per kilogram. The larger pack cost €2.41, and the smaller pack cost €1.15. So it was cheaper to buy 2 x 12 packs at €2.30, rather than the 24 pack at €2.41. So I saved €0.11. Is this another cynical attempt by Tesco Ireland to con the public? This outrageous pricing is not just restricted to Oxo cubes - I have seen other items listed in a similar fashion. I believe it is a concerted strategy by Tescos to use cheap tricks on the unsuspecting customer.

Remember March 1999: "Tesco Ireland faces prosecution for breach of the Consumer Information Act, under a section outlawing false prices on products."

Technorati Tags: Tescos

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Bord Gáis Rip Off! Irish Gas Rob The Public!

So I receive my 2-monthly gas bill for July and August and low and behold I have not used any gas - who needs gas central heating in the tropical climes of County Cork!? The bill is broken down as follows:

Gas Used: 0
Supply charge: €37.63
VAT: €5.08
Total: €42.71

Therefore, if I use no gas for 12 months, I still have to pay the gas board 6 x 42.71 = €256.26

Now with the 34% increase in gas charges proposed last month my bill would be €343.39 for using no gas. I wish I was in a business like that!
What do we do as consumers? Would it be cheaper to have your gas supplies turned off fot 9 months?

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IMPOTENCE.....FINALLY UNDERSTOOD!

A cure for impotence came within the grasp of humanity last week. The condition, often put down to depression or having an ugly partner has now been directly linked to a newly discovered virus, it can be revealed today.

For years, a group of scientists have been working on a 'spike' of incidence of this apalling condition at and around a biscuit factory in Ramsbottom, Lancs. A breakthrough came after the discovery of a previously unidentified virus, (pic top left), was discovered in profusion in the 'chocolate brownie' mix. Further investigation traced the virus back to the faeces of a flour weevil found only in the damp climate of England's north west. It is thought that thousands of packets of Brownies and Rich Teas have been contaminated and that the problem has been a chronic one of many years duration.

A Lancashire health official has issued the following advice, "Whilst not life threatening, impotence can cause years of misery." He went on, " We urge anyone who has bought a packet of biscuits bearing the 'BUG'S CAT' trade mark, to return them to the manufacturer and obtain a refund."

The home office is reported to be buying up all retuned contaminated packs for distribution in Her Majesty's Prisons where increased impotence is likely to prove a boon.

Technorati Tags: Impotence

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Breed-A-Blade: New Razor Innovation from CFTS!!

Forget your Mach3Turbo 3-blade, your Schick 4-blade Quattro, or even the new Fusion 5-Blade, because one of CFTS reporters, who is also a Buddhist Monk in his spare time(known as Siddhartha Gautama in the monastery), has come up with the new 'Breed-A-Blade' Razor. The idea came to him while meditating at Wat Pho in Bangkok. The technique involves prayer and our good old mate Buddha. The razor has the power of detecting new razor models around the world. If the current number of blades is 5 for example, it simply gives birth to another blade, so it is always one step ahead of the competition. As Buddhist Monks have to shave their heads at least once a month, these razors are invaluable to these very holy people. Well done Siddhartha! You deserve a good pint of ale when you return to these shores. As for Gillette, your fusion is losin' !

Technorati Tags: Razors

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