'Naked Fart Off', nearly led to Armageddon !

A mass 'Naked Fart Off', nearly led to armageddon earlier this month, according to leading scientists at the World Seismology Research Centre in Washington D.C, as approximately three quarters of Sri Lanka's population gathered in Kandy for a naked 'Fart Off'.

As the majority of the nation's population 'let rip' in perfect unison, the world span at 17 times its normal speed with disasterous consequences.

Air traffic was brought to a standstill as eastbound planes reported 'zero groundspeed', some even reportd going backwards as the earth below overtook them. Many westbound flights, particularly those at low altitude, were actually hit by oncoming buildings .

Things were affected on a more local level too. At the Glossop Fish Festival's Wellie Wanging comp, Alfie Thrupp threw a wellie 16 miles at the point of seismic disruption as he was throwing east to west, and cricketers at Barkby Thorpe in Leicestershire reported hitting sixes to distant towns.

Many devotees of water sports were also disappointed to miss their partners by several hundreds of yards.

A leading scientist reported, " Another 30 seconds of such massive strain on the earth's axis could have seen the end of mankind."

Next years fart off is planned in a nation where the food is much more bland.

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Seismology Leicestershire

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Scottish He-Brides - More Evidence!

Following up on Judge Scat's remarkable piece on Scottish He-Brides, I have received further evidence supporting his theory. A photograph from an escapee, was smuggled out from that ghastly outback. The said person wishes to remain anonymous for fear of retribution from the females of the race who rule their habitat with an unimaginable ferocity. As you can see, the He-Bride dresses in a tough fashion, yet displays the female skirt. His genitalia have all but withered away, and will soon drop off. When this occurs, the female will chew his head off, and seek another mating partner. The female is at rest here, and the scene looks almost touching - at least that's what the photographer thought but the female devoured him. She later passed the camera while defecating in a nearby forest. The escapee, a Scat Merchant from Inverness, later discovered it while in the throes of a scatterlogical frenzy.

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SCOTLAND.....THE TERRIBLE TRUTH!

DID YOU KNOW...............?

The Hebrides, one of the remotest and most desolate parts of Scotland famed for its tough inhabitants....or so we thought!

The truth will shatter the image of tough hard drinking scotsmen forever.

Ancient cave paintings, pre-dating Christ, portray the women as ungodly heathens responsible for hunter gathering and defending the family, whilst their menfolk stayed at home cooking and raising the children. Hence the islands were named 'He Brides'.

The tradition later spread to the mainland where even today many of the menfolk adhere to the ancient traditions of lazing around the house all day wearing tartan skirts.

Strange but true

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ARE DOGS ACTUALLY FRESH WATER FISH

Recent studies by eminent piscatorial scientists have called into question the long held view regarding the taxonomical classification of dogs, which has always planted them firmly in the order of 'mamalia'.
Suspicions were alerted after Scatamoto Mizumo from Japan's highly acclaimed Institute of Fish Studies became intrigued at the enduring ability of all dogs to urinate at will. At first it was thought that dogs posessed 'auxilliary urine tanks', enabling them to leave their mark whenever they felt the urge.
Mizumo recognised similar traits in all freshwater bony fish, which, due to their osmoregulatory needs, have , in order to survive, to constantly excrete water from their systems. This they do via their extraordinary large kidney, using a mechanism of 'chloride cells' to ensure that salts from their body aren't replaced by water from their environment.
As tests continue, leading fish processors and sushi bar owners are protesting at the collapse in fish prices as the public gears itself to the possibility of massive and previously untapped supply of stray dogs. Indeed, the price of pedigree dogs, in particular the 'toy breeds' is starting to reach unprecedented highs as speculators add them to the 'futures market'.
Mizumo concluded, "If dogs do turn out to be fish, the ulimate impact of the world could be catastrophic!"

STOP PRESS... JUDGE CATS JOINS THE TEAM...

NEWSFLASH ... The emminent High Court Judge: The Rt. Hon. Judge Jack Judge AKA Judge Cats will be joining the 'Cure For The Sore Team'. This is an amazing coup for our website as he has been much sought by many other well established sites. Of course, his judicial experience will be invaluable, but Judge Cats does have a life outside the courts. For years, he has worked as a voluntary helper in homes for single mothers and depressed fetishists. He has been a golden shaft of light in their otherwise humdrum lives. He has introduced them to meaning of true love and alternative sexual medicine - AKA Bean Juice. His experience and worldly knowledge of the mudvalve and the servicing of it, will provide years of untold happiness to these waifs and strays in their sexual purgatory. Already, the Judge has been hard at work passing comments on previous postings of the site. Read and learn! Let us take a moment to welcome our new distinguished member. Welcome Judge Cats!!!

Rocky Marriage? Stale Relationship? We Can Help!

Do you break up or do you make up? DocMurf and his team will help you decide. Maybe you're fighting a losing battle and a break-up is the only answer. Through my own life-long experience, I have amassed thousands of friends worldwide, of every denomination, gender & sexual orientation, who haved lived happily or unhappily through the various trials and tribulations of their relationships. This vast database of experience is available at your disposal. Tell us your problems and we will offer you sound advice. Report back to us and tell us how's it going. The problems will vary: they may be sexual, age difference, hatred, or one partner may be hitting the bottle. Could it be that someone is turning lazy and have let themselves go? Gays may be struggling with the dilemma of "Twinky" or "Bear" (I will do a section on Bears and Twinkies in later installments.) Sometimes the problems may be easily solved, and that one piece of advice is all you need to tip the scales in favour of life-long happiness. Another important topic is the children. Do we cling to a relationship for fear of hurting the children? This is a difficult one - but we have people on our database that can offer you the best advice from their own experiences. Is it because there are no children in the relationship? Is their a fertility problem? Again, we are here to help. Please feel free to leave your comments, and we will respond as soon as possible. There is absolutely no financial obligation - our reward is knowing that your relationship is happily working again.

Thank you for taking time to read this bulletin - we are the CURE FOR THE SORE. DocMurf

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Eindhoven Rugby Tour: A Judicial Masterpiece

After recovering from just two days and nights at the Loughborough Rugby Club Einhoven Tour, I have to say what a tremendous success the event turned out to be. The main tour squad were there for 5 nights! There were approximately 12 tour virgins on the tour, who were appropriately named "Stinkies". And one has to say, they performed admirably; including downing several gallons of chocolate flavoured ale, launched from a beer-engine, perched 20 feet up on the rugby club roof. I believe their cabaret on Monday delighted the teaming crowds that poured into Eindhoven Main Square to witness their performance. The Saturday was the first match, and Loughborough duly stuffed Folkstone by 15 tries to 1. Sunday was a knock-out tournament which was fixed by local referees and club officials, who were paid vast amounts of money not to let Loughborough win. For fear of libelling myself and LRFC, I will say no more. As always on tour, there are miscreants, charlatans, vandals, cheats & plagiarists. These were dealt in a fair manner by his Grace, The Rt. Hon. FRSC. S.C.A.T. Jack Judge. Here he is pictured with his counsel during recess, performing his judicial duties in a fair, yet ruthless manner. More to follow on the tour!

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Loughborough Rugby Club on Tour in Eindhoven

Today, Loughborough Rugby Club arrived in Eindhoven, Holland to begin their early season rugby tour. They return next Tuesday. As a life-long member of the club I will be flying over from Ireland tomorrow to meet up with them. My son will be arriving by train from Brussels to participate in a festival of rugby, mirth and madness. I will return Sunday evening, and will give a report of the weekend's activities. Here is a picture of the the team after winning the county bowl final earlier this year. Pictured on the extreme right is club president Michael Murphy, and on the extreme left, Nick Moore (aka "The Judge") Hon Fixtures Secretary. Follow this amazing club by visiting the link: http://www.lrfc.org.uk/

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Sick of Paying eBay Fees? Then Create a Blog!

If you have ever sold on eBay, you will have experienced their selling fees - increasing with different formats, number and size of photos, special selling conditions etc. It actually becomes expensive, especially if you are selling a low cost item. But why are we using eBay? Google and other search engines are becoming so sophisticated that you can create your own blog to advertise your items, and interested parties will search in the normal way. If you are specialising in silver-spoons, then name and describe your blog appropriately. You decide the size and number of photos, the formats with no costs to pay! You can even set you your blog site for free with blogger.com in minutes - in fact quicker than setting up an eBay page to sell an item! I am sure eBay make enough money from advertising revenues without ripping off consumers who are trying to sell their stock. Think about it - makes sense - and it's going to happen. Blogs are the future!

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Car Enthusiasts - Let Your Car Have A Date!

For years car enthusiasts and collectors have lavished their love and attention on their vehicles: first lubricating them, followed by a good servicing! They join car-owner clubs and societies, taking their cars on rallies all over the country and sometimes abroad. But you owners are selfish and heartless. What of the car? Have you considered its feelings? Have you ever thought that the car might want some private time with another car, maybe of the same model, or possible another make even - I don't think they're discriminatory. So I believe you should let your car have a date with another car. A private car-park or driveway for example. (preferably without the owners spying out of their windows). Let them have a bit of quality time with each other on a pleasant moonlit evening. Perhaps leaving a suitable CD playing appropriate songs: Little Red Corvette, The Green Car Song(just made that up, but the f*cking car doesn't know it). After all the pleasure they have given you, this is the least you could do for them. I am sure they would be grateful, and not break down half as much as they normally do. But what would the owners do while their cars are on a date? I suggest they have a right good shag - it would make a change from slobbering over their cars all their lives! Happy car dating!

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Recipes for a Dishwasher - Visitors Welcome To Leave Their Recipes

Why cook in a dirty greasy oven when you can prepare more healthy meals in a dishwasher? Think of the wonderful dishes you could prepare: Fish, haggis, penguins and all your vegetables. Instead of adding your dishwasher powder or tablet in the little compartment as you normally do for a washing cycle, you now add your seasoning. After you have cooked and removed these tasty morsels, you can then revert to the normal use of the dishwasher. One may now clean the dishes as well as dishwasher. No more greasy ovens to worry about. I have attached directions on how the cooking cycle can be implemented in a well known dishwasher. Please feel free to leave your recipes. Thank you.

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Women Lose Sex Drive After They Get Their Man

An article in Sunday Times (13/08/06) describes: "... researchers have found that women's libido plummets so rapidly when they believe they are in a secure relationship that after just 4 years the proportion of 30-year olds wanting regular sex falls below 50%." Wake up Sunday Times! Every married married with a healthy sex-drive knows this fact. Why do you think we masturbate so much and look for other different pieces of ass? The article goes on : "... the findings for women contrast with those for men whose sexual appetite hardly flagged at all up to 40 years after marriage." It also says when couples live apart for long periods, that appears to keep the female interested. So come on on girls, if you're not putting out for your man, then introduce him to one of your cute girlfriends and have a threesome. I am sure that will resurrect your sexual interest in him.

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Health and Fitness: Gym Etiquette

Have you ever been to a gym and seen all the signs "please wipe down machines after use." ? We all like to work up a sweat but why do some people, men and women, continally refuse to wipe down their sweat after using a piece of equipment? Is it because they want other gym-users to see how much effort they have put into their exercise? Or is it they are ignorant lazy bastards? I am going with the latter. Also, equipment hoggers. Usually 2 to 4 males at a benchpress. They can occupy for an hour or so, chatting mostly, and spotting their colleagues when they attempt a lift. But myy big hatred is people with body odour that fills the gym. The stench is so bad it could gas a small town. I don't know if it is because they never wash their kit, or they have s sweat gland problem, but really these people should be banned and made to perform outdoor activity only - preferably on their own, and with their sweat glands removed.

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Terrorists Find New Methods For Airline Explosions

NEWSFLASH... Cure For The Sore is receiving reports from its undercover investigative journalists that they have discovered a new plot by terrorists to carry on board liquid explosives and then to detonate them in flight. Not deterred from their current failure to destroy at least 10 US bound planes, their new devious plan is even more sinister. The liquid explosives will be carried in the vaginas of female terrorists. This particular explosive can be detonated by the infusion of fresh semen. During the flight, the male terrorist makes amorous advances to the female carrier. They agree to join the 'mile high club' and make their way to the toilet, where they engage in act of sexual intercourse. The man climaxes, releases his semen into the female carrier and the explosive is detonated. So his bang ends up with an even bigger bang! The aircraft and all its passengers are completely destroyed, and the couple will never be able to shag again. There are variations to the method if the female terrorist is on her period, and in this situation she will carry the liquid explosive in her mouth... END OF NEWSFLASH

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DocMurf's Log-Jam Theory for Session Drinkers

When you about to embark on a long drinking session, be aware of the Log-Jam Theory. The mistake made, even by seasoned drinkers, is to have a meal BEFORE the session. The food immediately blocks the 'beer valley'. When you then begin lashing back the beer, you will experience a very uncomfortable feeling of bloatedness and will be unable to drink at your normal rate, and may even be forced to abandon your pleasurable day supping. The solution is to drink 5 or six pints of beer or stout before taking any food. This gives a very strong flow to the river in your 'beer valley'. With the river now happily raging, any introduction of food will quickly be washed away by the strong beer current - and thus the filled-up feeling will not occur. The attached biological diagram of a drinker' stomach shows the log-jam, and shows how it stops the beer flow. Happing drinking!

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Reognising a Stroke and Save A Life!

This only takes a minute to read, and yet you could save a life.
During a barbecue a woman stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) as she said she just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital (at 6:00 pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the barbecue and no one was able to identify it. Had people known how to identify the signs of a stroke perhaps Ingrid would have been alive today. It only takes a minute to read this. A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. The neurologist said that the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed and getting to the patient within 3 hours. RECOGNIZING A STROKE: Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps. Read and Learn! Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.Now doctors say that anyone without medical training can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
1. Ask the individual to SMILE.
2. Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
3. Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (coherently) eg ..."It is asunny day today".
If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call the emergency nos. immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher. After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions.They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage. A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this information sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved. BE A FRIEND AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE, youcould save their lives

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42years of Top Of The Pops - and they give us 1 hour!

After 42 years broadcasting, Top Of The Pops did their final show on 30th July 2006. The show lasted 1 hour and was pretty abysmal. They flashed over many of the records, but they allowed full plays for alleged child molester Michael Jackson, and public lavatory trawler George Michael (is it something to do with the name Michael?). After 42 years was this the best they could offer? There have been many great performers for example Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues 13 May 1965, Otis Redding Dock Of The Bay, Canned Heat, Santana etc. Why wasn't the show done over 3 hours or 5 1-hour shows covering 5 decades? BBC you're crap!

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