SURROGATE SHOPPER NAMED!

The mysterious figure in the controversial Surrogate Shopping case has been discovered & photographed in her hideaway by a CFTS undercover investigative journalist. She has been living with knackers in their caravan site, in Mahon, a suburb of Cork City. She is none other then Shelley "Mama-White-Trash" Bourbon-Gutbucket. Bourbon-Gutbucket was paid €5000 by Mr. & Mrs. Nebucadenazzer to be their surrogate shopper. The Nebucadenazzers have been trying to shop for several years without success. Becoming increasingly desperate they made the decision to advertise for a surrogate carrier. Bourbon-Gutbucket answered their call. The Surrogate will carry their shopping for nine months in her own bags, with a donour Tesco Clubcard from Mr. Nebucadenazzer. When the news first broke there were massive protests from right-wing shopping groups who see this move as an infringement of their shopping rights, and Bourbon-Gutbucket quickly went into hiding. The Nebucadenazzers have received huge support from the Dial-a-Curry Couch-Potato brigade who are currently organising a sit-in. The Supermarket Check-Out Girls Association (SCOGA) have voiced their own concerns: "What will happen after 9 months? Will the surrogate return the shopping, or will she become too attached to the clubcard?" CFTS questioned Shelley "Mama-White-Trash" Bourbon-Gutbucket as to her future shopping intentions and what she intends to spend her €5000 euro on. She replied: "Am gonna shop all right, but not for those Fuckindenazzers. Am gonna buy me Jack Daniels and am gonna drink me Jack Daniels till I am very drunk and very sick. Now piss off!" Ms. Bourbon-Gutbucket's wardrobe was designed by B&Q.

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OFFICIAL......GEORGE BUSH INCONTINENT!!

These amazing images were captured by a daredevil photographer working exclusively for CFTS. They offer conclusive proof that George Bush is faecally incontinent. A whitehouse mole recently informed us that the president usually wears a nappy, or diaper, as he put it. However, on a recent meeting with President Blair, he had already soiled his nappy shortly after breakfast. Tony, aware that a disaster was about to unfold, gave George a newspaper to sit on, the result can clearly be seen. The photos above, which were smuggled out of Number 10 by our British 'mole', show vividly the sequence of events, first the strain as George pushes one through, and secondly, the self satisfied 'sniff' as he proudly appreciates his own aroma.

As one Blair rebel put it, " The man is so full of s*it , something has to give, now and again!"

Following the publication of this article, Judged Cats has had his phone tapped and has had to change his address after threats from 'various agencies', he has however vowed to continue with his important work.


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POLLUTION HAVOC IN NORTH WALES!

The Welsh Environment Agency was in turmoil last weekend, we can reveal today, as it began a frenzied investigation regarding the origins of a catastophic pollution incident.
reports emerged some twelve months ago regarding the highly developed physical characteristics of children in the tiny hamlet of Ty-Nant in Snowdonia. Doctors were puzzled as to why Gutto Rees, top left, a 7 year from the village, was displaying the features more associated with a 20 year old man. In the following months anglers fishing in Lake Bala reported and photographed some extraordinary catches. The pictures above show Alf Tupp from Warrington proudly displaying the 42lb Perch, Perca fluviatilis, he caught whilst trolling for Lake Trout at the southern end of the lake, the previous British record was just 5lbs 12 oz. More dramatic is the picture of a Gudgeon estimated to be in excess of 700lbs found dead in the lake's shallows, the previous record for this species, Gobio gobio, was a mere 4oz 4dms captured in Leicestershire's tiny river soar.

The Agency's investigation centres on a small gymnasium frequented by gay men, perched on the banks of the upper reaches of the tiny RiverTwrch,(see pic), which eventually discharges into Lake Bala. It was discovered that the premises are not connected to the main sewers, and the cesspit serving the property, which was also used for swimming, on special party nights, had not been emptied for years, the result being that high levels of testosterone and anabolic steroids are effectively being discharged straight into this once pristine stream. The Gymnasium has now been served with a court injunction banning it from offering watersports parties until levels of hormone, now thought to be at danger levels in the whole of the Snowdonia water table, have been reduced to a level compliant with a recent E.C. directive.

It appears that many of the former Gym's users have moved to Coalville in Leicestershire where their bizarre habits will have little environmental impact as the area is already polluted beyond redemption.

Judged Cats has been awarded the Carte D'or Journalism Award 2006, for his service to investigative journalism

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Chicken Bhuna Recipe A Fake! Declares TV Chef!

Celebrity TV Chef Adolf Hitler angrily hit out at the media for publishing a bogus Indian Chicken Bhuna recipe supposedly written by him, in the newspapers and on the web. Hitler, a life-long resident of the tiny East Midlands village, Long Whatton, Leics. made this statement through his solicitor, Manny Cohen, "This is obviousdly not the work of my client. Mr. Hitler would never use chopped coriander in this dish. I feel this is the work of disgruntled chefs who are jealous of his celbrity status. When the cuplrit or culprits are found, we will be taking legal action." CFTS reporter J. Al Friezi tried to contact Jamie Oliver, but he was not available for comment. It is believed that Oliver, a former drinking pal of Hitler, is not speaking to Adolf, since he was pushed off the top of the TV Chef Spot by his former friend.

Technorati Tags: TV Chefs Recipes
Adolf Hitler

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CHARNWOOD HITS THE JACKPOT!!

Cure For The Sore can reveal today some amazing news. An insider at one of the world's major film studios has leaked documents to us confirming that the sleepy village of Mountsorrel in Leicestershire's picturesque borough of Charnwood has been chosen as the backdrop for a new Roman epic. The film is a biopic, tracking the final months of the tormented soul Caligula who's perverted lifestyle was the result of years of untreated psycosis. Mountsorrel's ancient Butter Market, pictured top let, is to be used in many of the outdoor orgy scenes, and work has already started on the creation of an authentic amphitheatre, see top right.

An eminent social commentator added, " This will give the village of Mountsorrel a huge financial boost" he went on, "Local leaders have conceded that they hope that some of the twisted Roman values might remain after filming, thereby improving behaviour in the Parish."

Auditions are being held for extras at Mountsorrel Village Hall from 01/10/2006. Local men between the age of 18 and 22 are asked to attend wearing the attire of Chavs, it is anticipated that the majority of young men in the village will attend.

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INFIDELITY FORUM - LET US DISCUSS LOGICALLY

All my forums are based on simple, logical dialogue sessions. Humour is also a key ingredient. A sexual dysfunction may not be your dysfunction - it may be that your partner is the dysfunction. Cure For The Sore (CFTS) is here to discuss what you perceive to be a dysfunction. We will look for causes and ultimately, the solutions.
Please leave a comment and explain your problem - feel free to remain anonymous, but do leave a pen-name we can identify you by. There is no cost involved - all our staff are voluntary. Thank You - DocMurf

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SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION FORUM - THE SOLUTION IS HERE.

All my forums are based on simple, logical dialogue sessions. Humour is also a key ingredient. A sexual dysfunction may not be your dysfunction - it may be that your partner is the dysfunction. Cure For The Sore (CFTS) is here to discuss what you perceive to be a dysfunction. We will look for causes and ultimately, the solutions.

Please leave a comment and explain your problem - feel free to remain anonymous, but do leave a pen-name we can identify you by. There is no cost involved - all our staff are voluntary.
Thank You.

Technorati Tags: Sexual Dysfunction Impotence

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DEPRESSION FORUM - WE CAN HELP

For those people amongst you suffering from depression who have tried all avenues of therapy to battle against this dehabiltating condition, then you have taken the right step by coming to Cure For The Sore (CFTS). Our program for curing depression does not include prescription drugs, psychoanalysis or any of the well-tried methods. Our techniques are based on simple logical question and answer sesions, interlaced with humour. Together we will go through those areas of your life that were happy and sad, and map out a path that would lead to happiness. For those wondeful few seconds engaged in a smile or a laugh, you will momentarily forget your depression. (To get in the mood - read some of the pages on the site.) We will then expand on this theme and make it habitual. Our staff include people who have suffered from depression and have now been cured by these simple conversational techniques. Please leave a comment and explain your problem - feel free to remain anonymous, but do leave a pen-name we can identify you by. There is no cost involved - all our staff are voluntary.

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CRISPS IN THE PUB - OR IS IT CRISIS?

I noticed in the pub tonight that after several quarts of fine stout and ales, the lettering on my packet of badger and snipe flavored crisps became distorted. I stared at the word 'CRISPS' then suddenly the letter 'P' metamorphosised into the letter 'I' - thus spelling 'CRISIS'. Can you imagine how I felt? A nibble between pints had become a nine-eleven. I believe this was a subliminal message warning me that last orders was fast approaching. And sure enough the bell rang at that very moment. Thank God for Franz Kafka!
Extra Material provided by:
CRiSPS - Centre for Research in Strategic Purchasing and Supply
CRISIS RAPE CENTRE - I sometimes pop down there to give them counselling

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Google Refuse To Acknowledge CFTS - Scandalous!

Despite being the best and most popular website in the world, Google refuse to add CureForTheSore website to their search-engines' index. By doing this, millions of humans browsing on the web, are deprived of the truth and the cure. Is it the hard-hitting facts presented by our intrepid investigators at CFTS that frighten Google? Are they afraid of honest reporting? As they say, THE TRUTH ALWAYS HURTS! Despite this minor setback CFTS will forge ahead - ignoring threats, controversy and rotten eggs. CFTS will rely on word of mouth to bring the the facts to our adoring masses. Our current hit-rate for the site is 8 million a minute, so who needs the Google search engines!!!

Come on Google, "Y'know you wan' it, you love it, you do! You Norvin' Slegs!!"

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SUPRISE FIND IN THRINGSTONE GARDEN

Ancient artifacts proving that neolithic man was obsessed with anal hygiene have been unearthed in the garden of a miner's cottage in the quaint village of Thringstone in North West Leicestershire.

A 'grot' of partially fossilised winnets was found only two meters away from a brace of ancient winnet combs, proving that the ancient inhabitants of this area of Leicestershire used mutual grooming as a means of ritual communication. The uniform spheroid form of the winnets has given rise to a theory that they might actually have been dried after grooming and used as a primitive form of currency, with the value of the 'coinage' depending on winnet size and richness of diet.

The findings are currently being studied by a team of emminent archaeologists from London's Natural History Museum. Any conclusive findings will be passed on to the current inhabitants of the Thringstone/Coalville area in the hope that anal hygiene in the area might once again reach the standards common over 1000 years ago.

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BIN LADEN..........PORN SHOCK!!!!

The shocking truth behind Bin Laden's holier than thou, fundamentalist image was finally exposed today.

My office has been investigating claims by the worlds leading porn stars that the mad man has been starring in some of the most perverted skin flicks ever made in order to bankroll his apalling terrorist activities. The picture , which was secretly filmed in a back street studio in Hamburg, shows Osama being prepared for a 'Fat Masochistic' movie. Further stills taken from the film are far too shocking to appear on this site.

Veronica Moser, Europes leading Scat star claims that Bin Laden has starred with her in many of her movies, some going back as far as 10 years and more, she commented, "Yes, he was always a true gentleman during shoots. He was always on hand with tissues and baby wipes and would never eat spicy food before a 'heavy' movie." Se went on, "He co-starred in my best movies including Under the Coffee Table, Dung Burgers and that great classic Smeared for Life"

Ingridd Trapp, Amsterdams famous star of 70's Zoophiliac films also claims Bin Laden was instrumental in their success. "Goats, Sheep, Horses and Rottweillers, he was happy performing with them all", claimed the ageing star of the classic 70's flick Animal Farm.

It is anticipated that his eventual capture could bring the cameras in the fetish studios of Europe to a grinding halt.

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Aberystwyth Rug Harvest Fails!

Reports are coming in that the usually abundant Rug Harvest in Aberystwyth has failed miserably, and male engineering students are said to be responsible. The rug crop is normally harvested from Ystwyth and Rheidol Virgins who inhabit the land between the rivers Ystwyth and Rheidol. The rugs are used in local Victirian B&B establishments which thrive along the promenade. These Virgins live, as nature intended, freely on the banks of the rivers and feed on a diet of fresh water shrimp and leeks which greatly enhances their rug growth. They are rewarded for their crops with free exhaust inspections at KwifFit. Unfortunately, following an excursion to the rivers by a group of Aberystwyth first year students, keen on depilation, has spelled distaster for the Aberystwyth Rug Industry. These students armed with razors, prawn cocktail, and ample portions of leek pie, persuaded the virgins to allow them to depilate their crop. After performing their roguish act, the virgins never looked back. They liked the look of their shaved cracknel, and have stubbornly refused to allow growth beyond a seven o'clock shadow. Picture shows a virgin witnessing the first act of depilation.
Dai Reeah reporting from Aberystwyth.

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NEWSFLASH: MGM Want To Make Movie of Cure For The Sore!!

News is just coming in that MGM want to do a movie on Cure For The Sore! Many of our staff are still on assignments all over the world, and have net yet heard the news. An extraordinary general meeting will be called for this Friday September 8th at 2:00pm sharp, at our Sloane Square Offices, to discuss MGM's proposal. My immediate response was that all the staff at Cure For The Sore would require a substantial, up-front fee, and free tickets to the cinema.
I have outlined below what MGM do for a living.
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Inc. is an independent, privately-held motion picture, television, home video, and theatrical production and distribution company. The company owns the world's largest library of modern films, comprising approximately 4,000 titles, and over 10,400 episodes of television programming. Its film library has received 208 Academy Awards, one of the largest award winning collections in the world, and includes numerous successful film franchises, including James Bond, Pink Panther and Rocky. MGM is owned by an investor consortium comprised of Providence Equity Partners, Texas Pacific Group, Sony Corporation of America, Comcast Corporation, DLJ Merchant Banking Partners and Quadrangle Group.

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War Can Damage Your Health - We Can Help You Stop This Bad Habit!

For those nations around the world who are at war with their enemy, we can offer you solution, resolution and reconcilliation. We at Cure For The Sore have many years experience in the field of resolution conflict. For a substantial fee, we can bring opposing parties around a table and sort out your difficulties. We offer:

1. First Class Conferencing Facilities

2. Excellent buffet and refreshments

3. Conselling for suicide bombers

4. Six-months guarantee of peace

The goals of peace are easily achievable:

1. All soldiers, warring factions, terrorists, mercenaries etc, lay down their arms and walk away.

2. Whenever you feel the urge to fight, have a pint, or take a dump (if religion precludes alcohol).

3. If your leaders insist you must return to the conflict, then ignore them.

You will soon see what a good investment contacting us was - think of the money you save by not buying arms off unscrupulous nations whose sole purpose is to get rich on other people's misery and death.

Would warring nations who wish to avail of our services contact us at this web-site via a comment, and I will respond as soon as I can - as you know, stopping wars is a busy business.

NB We have no affiliation to the United Nations whom we regard as ditherers and charlatans.

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